My Love Letter to Women

Jill and Mary (middle & right, respectively), just TWO of the MANY amazing women I’ve met through Epic

I’m so grateful for the women in my life.  There are many… so many who’ve left an impact.  But one of the things I’m especially grateful for in Epic, is how it platforms women and how there is much exposure to how awesome REAL women can be.  

Okay, not that the men in Epic aren’t cool or anything.  There are many amazing men as well, but I will not write love letters to them–ew.  

So this is my love letter to so many women I’ve met in and through Epic Movement… please forgive me for the mushy/rambly-ness!

Dear Princesses of Strength, Beauty, and Wisdom,

Thank you.  If that’s the only thing I could ever clearly muster in this post, it is the first thing.  Oh, and this next thing too: I love you.  And this: you’re amazing!

I’ve been moved and shaken to my very core by your beings.  You accomplish so much–graduate degrees, international missions, blogs/articles, books, marriage, babies, screenwriting, deep friendships, conferences, sermons, speaking gigs, decor, and SO much more… while looking AMAZING!  I’m so blown away by all you do.  But I’m even more amazed at your sense of voice, your pursuit to follow Jesus for yourself, your loyalty to the things that are you.

You’ve taught me to follow in your stead.  Though I know you’ve faced and carried much pressure in your lives, the fact that you have followers (both Twitter and non) hopefully doesn’t bring you much more.  I’ve seen you let Jesus move despite yourselves.  I’ve seen you laugh at your own desire to control.  I’ve seen you cry when receiving pressure from places you hoped to receive encouragement, grace, and safety.  And as you’ve grieved and grown and laughed, the Lord has lifted you.  And this has brought me MUCH comfort in difficult times.  The Lord lifts us.

Please continue to fight for your relationship with the Lord!  Please continue to allow yourself to feel and be.  Please continue to reach and push boundaries and stretch as far as you want.  Please let the Lord remind you what a glorious and delightful daughter you are to Him… without you having to do/earn anything.  :)

With love overwhelming,

Whitney

How did I get here?! PART II

[This is the MUCH LONGER continuation of another post!  See PART I here!  And please bear with me... ]

It was very late at night–I think 12 AM-ish–when I sent that e-mail to Tommy.  I remember feeling scared and puzzled at how he would respond… actually I wasn’t even thinking he would answer back.  (I have a hard time trusting e-mails.)  But when I woke up the next morning, Tommy had e-mailed me back that he had been in the middle of fasting and praying for people with hearts for the lost and he had brought up my name with his team!?

I got goosebumps.

He then forwarded me on to Viv Mabuni.  At the time, I had no idea who this lady was… nor how I in the year to follow, I would just replay the conversation I had with her over and over in my head–especially the part about how to share this with my parents.

Viv and I, a couple years after our very first conversation at Starbucks...

Replaying it now, I don’t remember all the words that were said.  But I remember feeling instantly comfortable and at ease as Viv enthusiastically greeted me and kept saying, “Wow… it’s a God-thing!”  Just us two, sitting in the Starbucks at a local mall… I felt like I had all these questions, but had no words to put to them.  Later, I realized my real question was: “Is it worth it–you know, following Jesus wherever He leads?”

I have goosebumps again.

One weekend while staying at my parents’ house, I decided to talk to them about it.  I walked downstairs to their room and knocked on the door, they were getting ready for bed, but somehow I managed to share with them what I felt God was calling me to do.  Bracing myself, I asked them what they thought.  Very calmly they both asked a few questions and shared that it might be good for me to work a little “in the real world” to gather some perspective before jumping right back into the “college-scene.”  We kinda struck a deal–I’d take a year to focus on working “in the real world,” and then revisit whether or not I want to do campus ministry vocationally.

After talking with them, I agreed and prayed about it some more.  So I shared with Epic that I was going to not going to intern with them and because I wanted to work for a year.  I was sad to not jump into it immediately but I agreed with my parents that it would be helpful.

Thus, I went to work.  Followed through with the job lined up right after graduation.  Worked at a bunch of different places, actually… tried anything and everything I could find.  And made lots of observations and mental notes about the workplace environment, management styles, work-ethic, and interviewing.  I made friends and enjoyed my time!  Although, don’t know if putting my supervisor’s “easy” button (from Staples) in Jell-O was my best idea ever…

"That was easy." did not apply to this task... it took a lot of planning and time and energy and Jell-O packets

Probably the most significant moment during my “real life experience” (sorry for all the quotation marks…) was when I was working as a full-time temp.  The manager of the department and I were talking one morning and the conversation turned to my future plans:

Manager: “Would you want to stay here?”
Me: “Sure!  I’ve really enjoyed working here and I could really see myself working well with all the people on your staff.”
Manager: “I’ve noticed you take pride in your work.  You’re not doing anything exciting or challenging but you show up early with a smile on your face and do an excellent job… you even seem to have fun while doing it.”
Manager: “You mentioned before that you’re a Christian.  I can tell based on how you carry yourself, your positive attitude and how you take pride in what you do.”

The conversation continued, but I couldn’t believe he said what he did.  At the time I was confused on how to really integrate my spiritual life into my professional life.  I would say I’m a Christian, but people didn’t seem drawn to that initially.  So, I just didn’t really talk about it or mention it again.  But then he connected the two for me and I realized how narrowly I saw spirituality.  And I couldn’t help thinking, “Do other recent Christian grads know how to un-compartmentalize their lives?  Do college students know how to do that?  God is relevant and connected to all areas of our lives… I was involved in a fellowship in college and I still missed this… what about others who haven’t even heard of Jesus??“

A year after I applied to intern with Epic the first time, I was offered a lucrative sales position!  Though I didn’t think the job was a great fit, I thought it might be able to launch me into some exciting territory.  But I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of working with college students, so I turned down the position and called Epic to re-apply for an internship with them.

My mom was in the room with me as I called.  She looked at me and said, “You seem happy.  You really want to do this don’t you?”  I just smiled big, nodded and ran up to my room to jump up and down for at least ten minutes.

Can YOU tell if I'm happy or not based on my face here?

A month later, I showed up at the intern kick-off weekend in Orange, CA.  Though I was excited and thrilled to be following the Lord… I was scared out of my mind!  I didn’t know anyone, and was supposed to find a guy named Don Diva–the Epic Intern Coordinator at the time.  ”What does he look like?  What kind of name is ‘Diva?’  Asian?  Is he Asian because he works with Epic?  I don’t see any Asians here… Am I at the right place?  What am I doing here?!  Why did I decide to do this?!” = my thoughts at the time.  I was spiraling.

Before I could run out the door and away from this, Don introduced himself to me.  I started meeting other interns and other staff.  It was hitting me slowly–these are all people dedicating at least a year to the Lord!  The excitement began to build again!

When I registered and introduced myself to other interns and staff, they kept asking me: “Where are you assigned?”  And it dawned on me… I have no idea!  So I went back to Don and asked if he knew where I was assigned.  He just smiled, and said “I do know!  But I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you yet.”  What!!!?  Then Don smiled and laughed again, “You want to know don’t you?”  I nodded as enthusiastically as I could without seeming too uncool and desperate.  ”You’re at UCI!”

OHHHHH SHOOT! UCI!!!?!!?! AAAHHH!!!! (these are all good exclamations, in case you're not sure)

 I wasn’t expecting to be assigned there… but as I thought and prayed about it more it made so much sense!  The campus I cried over was UCI.  The people I thought of that I missed out witnessing to while I was a student were all UCI classmates… the dreams I had for a campus being a beacon of God’s light and love were for UCI.

(Ooh… Fun fact!  This weekend is where I roomed with Heather who ended up joining staff with me this past summer AND being in my life group all summer!  She’s great and will be ministering at UCI too!!!  Whaaa??  So crazy!)

Me, Heather, and Megan (L-R) during our last night of our Colorado summers!

And that’s the story… sorry I wish I had a cooler “THE END” but really… the above stories really were a part of the beginning of my journey with Epic!

Thank you for bearing with me through the story!  This is been SUCH a joy to just… think about again.  I honestly feel so blessed to recall all these things and moments and people… God has been SO amazingly faithful and good.  Wow, what a gracious God we know!!  Thank You, Lord!!!

THANK YOU!! <3

How did I get here?! PART I

This is one of my favorite stories to tell… The twists and craziness of how it all happened still surprises me and it just tells me more and more about myself and God… each time!

Why tell it now… and withhold from you all of my facial expressions in telling you this story live and in person? Well, I recently received an e-mail with all the upcoming events of the team I’m a part of in Epic (The Southwest SoCal team) and it said: “6 weeks left as a staff team…”  For those unfamiliar with the terminology, basically the end of the school year is less than two months away.  And all I could selfishly think was: “I missed it… I missed the entire year… because of support raising…”  Now this is simply not true as the Lord had things for me to experience and witness in this year, that I could not have seen/understood/felt had I not been in a support raising season.  He has been outrageously, exceedingly good and beautiful and gracious to me and so many others in this remarkable and redemptive season.  Yet… I still feel it…

So, I’m going to share some of how I started with Epic, because it is hilarious and so… so… like the Lord to call us to greater, yet crazier things!  And don’t worry, you won’t miss out on my facial expressions… you’ll see

I attended UC Irvine for my undergraduate degree… aaaaand I loved it–so much so, I was a campus tour guide!  And like a “good Christian,” I attended a fellowship regularly.  Along with several other people, I got to serve in Asian American Christian Fellowship (AACF) while I attended college there.  Loved it–some of my coolest and closest friends came from it.

During welcome week of my senior year!

AACF is also where I met Epic National Director, Tommy Dyo (then AACF staff at CSU Long Beach).  He would often come to UCI and speak for us and offer to help us out in any way as we didn’t have any assigned staff to our campus.  After a church retreat he spoke at, he gave mehis business card and said: “Call me when you decide to do campus ministry.”  I joked, but I meant it, when I said, “I guess you’ll never be hearing from me then!”

Some time later, I attended a Passion conference where Francis Chan spoke and Chris Tomlin and Matt Redman led worship in Los Angeles, CA and it was great!  I enjoyed it a lot.  And then the last day, part of the session was group prayer.  The guy leading it said, “Pray for your home nation.”  The person sitting next to me and I prayed together for the U.S..  Then the leader said, “Pray for your state.”  So, we prayed for California.  ”Pray for your city…”  We prayed some more.  ”Pray for your campus.”  He prayed for his high school.  And I started to pray for UC Irvine… and began to bawl.

What the guy sitting next to me looked like as I prayed for UCI

What I looked like as I prayed for UCI

Poor high school student who sat next to me that day… Later during the prayer session, I straight-up asked God… “What was THAT all about?!”  I heard the Lord say, “Campus Ministry.”  I said, “Uh, no way!  I have a job lined up after this… my parents will kill me… I’ll just… I’ll volunteer or something!!”  I heard, “That will never be satisfying enough for you.”  Still scared of what that might mean, I wept some more.  Then I heard, “Whitney, do you trust me?”  I replied, “Yeah, of course I trust You…”  ”Whitney, do you trust me?”  ”Yes, Lord… yes, I do.”

So many thoughts rushed through my mind… and I didn’t know what to do.  So, naturally, I did nothing… for about a week.  Then I started asking people questions–friends, people I know who are in campus ministry vocationally… and then I e-mailed Tommy.

the actual e-mail!

… to be continued

God is With Us

Happy April!

The weather is finally looking beautiful again!  75 and Sunny?  YES, PLEASE!  Hope you’re enjoying the weather and company as you remember God’s faithfulness to us.  Easter is this weekend!  But every day is a great time to remember that He has overcome ALL sin and ANYthing that could separate us from His love and having a relationship with Him!!  And I am definitely relishing in the fact that He really is with us!

This month’s prayer letter is out!!  Please enjoy it: March 2012 prayer update!  And if you enjoy it so much, please pass it along to someone else to bless!  Thank you so much for praying and praising the Lord alongside me!  :)

You rock:

Get it??

Goodbye.

I’m not good with goodbyes.  I swing from either SUPER emotional or insensitively numb.  Regardless, I rarely allow goodbyes to honor and do justice to everything prior to that… simply because of fear and the dread of the pain that’s felt in grieving ANY end.

Earlier this week, I found out that my friend was hit by a drunk driver and found dead later.  He was 23.

I can’t breathe when I think of the fact that he’s gone.  Not just that he’s gone… but that I may never see him again.  I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if he’s relishing in the beautiful, glorious room Jesus prepared for him… or… No… I don’t even want to consider the alternative.

A news report asked the question: “What if…?” in regards to if someone stopped to call the ambulance or the police right after the accident, could he still be alive?  I recently saw a clip from Disney’s movie version of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian where Lucy (the youngest of the humans who travel in and out of Narnia) asks Aslan (the lion): “If you had come, would all of those people still have died?” and Aslan responds: “There’s no way to know what would have happened…”

So much tragedy has come to my attention in painful, glaring darkness.  I am perplexed and saddened to my core.  Suddenly, I feel challenged to trust in God’s goodness… that is TRIUMPHANT over evil, darkness, sin, and death… right?  It MUST be true!

Sorry, there’s no real “point” to this post… there’s just so much on my mind.  One thing I’m recognizing: The weight and urgency of my job and calling.  There is a finite time to our earthly lives and to people’s openness to the Gospel and “sound-teaching” as Paul describes in 2 Timothy.  I’m incredibly privileged, and moved… but also just very… mmm… what’s the word for the feeling you get when someone’s entrusted something incredibly precious to you like a child or expensive jewelry or a car or something?  Pressured?  Weighty?  Scared?  I don’t know.

Please pray for the Funai family as they grieve the loss of a beloved son and brother.  Please also pray for the rest of his family and friends who also mourn the loss of an exceptional individual.

Thank you for investing your and my life in eternal things.

Leap Year!?

Leap Day is old news… on to March!  February was a long, reflective month.  And I’m so grateful for it, but I’m glad we’re in March!  This is the verse I’m clinging to this month as I continue to trust God to raise up monthly prayer and financial partners: “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” 2 Thess. 5:24 (ESV)

Thank you so much for your prayers and partnership!!!!

February’s prayer letter is LIVE!! February 2012 – Whitney update print  Read it while it’s still hot–or while you still are.  Ew, I’m sorry… this blog will never have another cheesy/gross pick-up line ever again.  I promise!

Confession: I Haven’t Been a Total Jeremy Lin Bandwagon-er

I have a confession to make: I’ve not been a huge fan of the Jeremy Lin craze.  

While at first this seems like a harmless, no-big-deal sort of thing, after I’ve reflected over the past few days, God’s shown me more of the poor condition of my heart.  And I’m embarrassed that I let that happen.

Initially, yes, I too was blown away by Lin’s sudden success–more because as a first-time starter in the NBA his stats were unusual (I’m a retired Fantasy Basketball-er) and he continued to perform at an extremely high level!  And though I definitely noted his Asian Americanness and appreciated commentary on the “soft bigotry of low expectations,” I could feel myself refuse to identify with this part of his story.  I would not allow myself to feel any pride in the fact that Lin’s Asian heritage was shedding any light onto the collective Asian American story.  I even joked that Lin actually wasn’t breaking any stereotypes within the Asian American context: he went to Harvard, he’s excelled in athletics, he’s a good son… etc.

Then a completely separate event showed me that what was coming out of my heart and mouth regarding Lin and his success was cynicism and denial.  

An Asian American friend gave me some word suggestions as I tried to formulate some sentence on my prayer letter.  Though they gave me some, they seemed confused.  In my ignorance and idiocy I teased them for not understanding what I was asking.  Later, I found out that they felt hurt because of my teasing and also because my teasing brought to the surface an insecurity of theirs regarding their grasp of English.

As soon as I heard of their experience, I felt deep remorse.  But it wasn’t just for them and for the pain I caused them.  I started remembering how my mother told me she was teased for not knowing English and interactions where friends would comment on my dad’s accent, and I felt I had to agree even though I never thought he had one.  My friend shared how they felt for their own parents and how they may have been teased or taken less-seriously because of their understanding of English.  And the experiences of people asking me how I learned to speak English so well, or when kids in school used to ask me how to speak Chinese and I felt the pressure to lie and make up sounds to make them leave me alone felt so real again.

These very real memories and painful situations ARE a part of my story.  Though I may not have directly experienced them all, they are instances that I share in as I choose to love my parents and love my friend.  And though my heart desires redemption, I instinctively went to denial as the way to give the pain less power.  By being cynical, I believe I become “untouchable” and “unfazed” by those types of experiences.  But I realized that if I deny that those painful experiences matter, then I deny any chance of redemption and healing.  I deny myself the possibility of forgiveness and growth, as well as deny others the possibility of understanding and reconciliation.

A ministry partner recently told me of their excitement about Jeremy Lin.  And I’ll never forget how she looked when after I said, “Yeah, it’s pretty cool what’s been happening to him.”  Her eyes, very serious, her lips, trembling as she said, “No.  It’s about time people knew what it’s like to be Asian American.  You’ve grown up in a different generation, where there are more of us now.  But in my life and your parents lives growing up, people didn’t want to hear our story.”

I’m sad and incredibly sorry to say that I was so careless.  And that I disguised my carelessness as being phlegmatic.  I’m sad that I chose to serve myself and the “bliss” of ignorance instead of sharing in my friend’s journey… his parents’ journey… my own parents and grandparents’ journey… Lin’s journey.  I’m sad that those experiences are present in my own life too and that we still have so far to go for those misunderstandings to become real arenas of dialogue and redemption.

But I’m grateful for grace through Jesus Christ forgiving me that allows my friend to forgive me and allows me to forgive myself.  I’m grateful for the pioneering of people like my parents and that ministry partner.  And I’m grateful too for those experiences as they continue to teach me how I need to love and suffer with others.  But most of all I’m hopeful for God to heal.  I’m hopeful for His Kingdom to continue to be established on this earth… within the Asian American community and beyond.  And ultimately hopeful for when there will be no more tears… nor pain… and the former things will have passed away… (Rev. 21:4).

Epic Conference Update: PART II

Thanks for reading Part I!

Part II is my most recent prayer letter: January 2012 – Whitney update

I know!  Cheating… but it’s okay… there’s so much to tell, you won’t even NOTICE!

 

Epic Conference Update: PART I

Note: These are true stories, but I may have omitted names for their privacy.  Oh, and they’re stories and hopefully will read as such.  Enjoy!

Home Depot is like Narnia (of the beloved C.S. Lewis series).  I’ve set foot in perhaps 5 Home Depots in my lifetime and have ogled the rows of strange, hard-core, man stuff (this is not meant to be a sexist comment… that’s just what my untrained eyes/mind thinks of it all as) as if I’m looking at speaking animals.  Thus, it’s not surprising when every Home Depot employee at the store asks me if I’m lost or need help finding something.  (I’ve learned my face–which in many ways is my nemesis–will never help any poker games and will always give away my wonder and confusion.)  And in my pride, I will always say, “No!  Why!?  Are you racist?!”  (JK, I don’t ever say that.)

I voluntarily went on three Home Depot adventures within the last month.  Rope lights were easy enough to find.  But then where else could I buy chalkboard paint, cable ties, and a sponge roller in one convenient location where I could have all the items in my clutches immediately?  The internet?!  No, thank you!  Five orange-vested workers helped me find my way!

After Home Depot, my next adventure was locking myself in my frigid apartment (we don’t turn on the heater… c’mon, why pay money for heat when I could just wear my snowboarding jacket indoors?!) for eight hours with boba milk tea to assemble a word out of white rope lights.

Photo by Raymond Gao

“Awaken” in cursive lettering shines above a cardboard cut-out of the San Francisco skyline. And because of the blue backdrop behind the rope light sign, the Epic Conference worship team has a bit of a blue tint to them.  That blue glow is the only light in the ballroom.  The lead singer with arms raised and eyes closed cries into the microphone: “I give myself away… I give myself away so You can use me…”

Main-speaker, Pastor Brandon Ahu, comes up and asks the crowd, “Who wants God more than your insecurities?  Who doesn’t want this world to have a hold on them anymore?  Who wants God more today than you did yesterday?”

“Awaken” shines upon a hundred hands raising.  Not every hand looks confident or strong.  “Awaken” shines upon a student, who I know from CSU Long Beach, her head buried in her hands.  She brings her head up out of her hands.  “Awaken” illuminates her tear-soaked face–and mine–as she slowly raises her fingers, her hand, her arm…both arms! and shouts to the Lord, “I give myself away…”

Epic Conference Update: Preview

Going to Chinatown in San Francisco to share our faith

I couldn’t condense this year’s Epic Conference into one prayer letter… unless you all want a 45 page letter.  (Yes, I know you all would read it anyway!)  So, I’ll give you a quick preview here and you can read the rest soon in your mailboxes (both virtual and out in front of your houses)!

Today is all about condensing, so let’s just say that God did an ENORMOUS work this weekend at Epic Conference.  Yes!  Oh, we can go shorter:

But God,…

-(Eph. 2:4)

People trusted Jesus as their Lord and Savior for the first time!  People shared of their life-changing experiences with Jesus for the first time!  People shared encountered God for the first, second, fifty-fourth, eight-hundredth time!!  College students–who have every opportunity to choose the world and not God–raised their hands to say that they want God MORE than approval from the world, their friends, their families… they choose God!

Wait–there’s more.  It gets more personal, it gets more intimate and specific and uniquely, devastatingly beautiful.  Please wait for more to come!  Please stay tuned as I show you what God’s calling me to share with you of how crazy He is and His plan is!